...

...I don't really have much to say, I just feel like writing. I feel like I've hit an all time low. I am happy because my life is coming along job and love wise, but my health and body just feel left behind. I'm just very lazy and unmotivated. I have no self-control when it comes to food or sticking to an exercise routine. I have a couple "plans" to start tomorrow, but it all ends up the same. I go to my moms for training and literally have no time to workout and have none of my regular groceries with me. I think I am going to take off tomorrow (I've already trained 2 whole weeks anyways), that way I can make sure my first day isn't screwed up!

I have however stuck to my lent. I haven't had any fast food since it began.

I keep wanting to lose this weight the "healthy" way and actually eat over 1,000 calories, but I feel like when I do that I give myself too much room to eat bad foods and end up eating bad things, and things I shouldn't. When I limit myself to a certain low amount of calories 600< I feel like I HAVE to be very careful. I also feel like my body isn't going to change fast enough. I have to lose 50-60 pounds before June 1st. Thats a little over 3 months. Is that even doable?? I have done it before, but of course I was starving myself. 20 pounds a month. I think I could do it with A LOT of discipline and no fuck ups and work outs! I probably wont be eating no 1,200 calories a day lol but I will aim for around 1,000 and add in some workouts so my net can be around 600-1000.

Broke.

I practically have 2 maxed out credit cards and $21 in my bank account, go me! I figured I would be done with my training for my new job by now and be out in the field making money! Getting my life & health license is taking way longer than I thought it would! I'm not even sure I'm taking all the right steps to do it, but I know for a fact I'll be training AGAIN all next week because an application I had to fill out last night takes 5 business days to process, fuck!! I AM SO BROKE. And my roots look like shit, I need to see my stylist.

I've been staying at my moms a lot due to training for work, we have cocktails after work everyday. Needless to say my calorie intake hasn't been ideal. I don't eat much for breakfast, don't eat lunch because we are too busy, and then for dinner we kind of eat whatever the fuck we want. So not really been able to count calories, nor have I really cared to. My mom is obsessed with me losing weight, its so annoying. You know when your parents try to make you do something and it makes you want to do the complete opposite? (rebel instinct) Yeah well so now I'm like fuck you, I am ok with my body. I'm not of course, but I just get annoyed with how often she talks about my weight! I wish I could just be like I'm happy the way I am, get over it!! If she knew how I lost all the weight before she probably wouldn't even care, she'd rather me starve myself (hate myself), throw everything up, and be a total wreck, because being skinny is more important to her.

I need to go do my taxes. If I can ever figure out how!

Vegetarian, round 2!

I was a vegetarian for around 2 years 2009-2011ish. I ended up eating meat because I was struggling with my diet and thought if I could add grilled chicken and turkey into my diet things would be so much easier. I also changed due to the fact my girlfriend was a very big meat eater and well our relationship turned into dates consisting of going out to eat 2-3 times a week. I was eating less grilled chicken and more fried chicken/pork/hamburgers, which obviously led to major weight gain. I watched a documentary called "Vegucated" a few days ago and it really opened my eyes and made me remember why I was a vegetarian in the first place years ago. I eat A LOT of meat now so cutting down to nothing over night it going to be a challenge but I've done it once (when I wasn't worried about health), so I know I can do it now when I am more concerned about that kind of stuff. I've already lost 3 pounds by not eating meat in 2 days! My girlfriend got me an elliptical, I've been looking for one for months but honestly just put it on hold because I am so broke I don't need to spend the money. She ended up buying an older one from a friend for pretty cheap and I -was- super excited, but it just doesn't really work well:/, it's very uncomfortable to use and makes a lot of noise and it's wobbly. I feel bad because she went out of her way to get it for me, and I feel like she wants me to use it and lose weight and well I'm not using it lol

On another note, unrelated with weight and diet...

A family friend, and my big sisters old best friend from high school was killed Valentines Day early morning. She was beaten to death by her husband. He was suppose to go to court on v-day because he had beaten her child (more than once, broke 3 ribs the last time). She wasn't living with him anymore, nor was the kid, but I guess she went over there to talk about the court date and who knows... anyways obviously he lost his temper and beat her to death/strangled her with a bat. After that he fled to my hometown (30 minutes from where he lives) to kill her parents (they are the ones who contacted the police when the lunatic beat the child). Fortunately the police caught him/pulled him over about 5 minutes from the girls parents house. This murder really hit home for me, I remember going to her house when she was my neighbor and hanging out with her and my big sis, playing with her dogs. She was so gorgeous! I always thought she was the prettiest of my sisters friends. I just can't believe things like this happen so often in our world. Things need to change, people need help.

Putting some things into action

So I am halfway through my insurance class. I'm not really sure what to think about it, I just pray I pass the test. I had to schedule the tests like 2 weeks after the class because both locations were completely booked! That's making me extra nervous. I really hope I like doing this, I feel motivated about it, but I feel nervous about it too. I mean I have never thought I was much of a people person, I have just never been one of those people that are easy to talk to or talk to people easily. I am really motivated to do good in this career though, I will bust my ass. I will prove everyone wrong that I can't make it.

I have been lying about my food intake to everyone:( I am staying with my mom during this class and well I didn't bring all my healthy foods, so on our hour lunch break during class I go eat whatever the fuck I want for lunch. Yesterday was zaxbys and today was chinese (yuck, never again). My breakfast and dinner has been small and healthy though.. I just can't stop eating. I want to be thin, I know people will take me more serious when it comes to sell them life or health insurance, and it will make me look more mature. I just look like a chubby young kid when I'm fat. My self-esteem is shit too when I'm fat, which will put a damper on my sells. I seriously need to bust my ass next week when I get back home in my own territory.

So much stress going on with money, food, school, passing exams, work. Ahhhhh!

Day 5

Haven't touched a cig in 5 days today and well it's a little easier today considering I haven't moved from the couch. The 3rd and yesterday was a bitch though. I actually got to work for 4 hours yesterday:o. Surprise, surprise. I have done pretty decent at not eating a lot. I'm still eating 3 meals a day (minus today). I do really good during the day hardly consuming calories and what not, but at night something just comes over me. All I want to do is snack and eat and snack and eat. It's really annoying.

My girlfriend and me are always bickering now a days it seems like, probably mostly my fault because I'm a bipolar bitch that don't like to be touched. We just aren't ever on the same page anymore. One minute I feel lucky to have her and the next I'm beyond annoyed I can't leave, it's like my mind can't make up its mind.

I am taking my sister to get a boob job Monday. Maybe while I'm there I can ask about the price of a tummy tuck, that'd be an easy way to lose major weight, haha. I wish.
Ugh I'm so fat. Food is such a fucker.

Day 2.

I haven't smoked in 2 days.
I didn't even try to eat healthy on the 1st because I was hungover AF and I always eat like shit when I'm hungover, it's like my stomach begs for grease.

New years eve was pretty good. I got way more drunk than I wanted too and I regret that. I blacked out for a couple hours I believe. My camera has some pretty funny pictures on it! I'm kind of over drinking, I don't really enjoy it like I used to and everyone else gets on my nerves when they drink (including myself).

My sister got back from Florida the 30th, she was visiting my aunt and cousins. She said my aunt weighs 94 pounds now and is on a "diet" because she thinks she needs to lose some more weight. My sister went jogging with her a couple of times at 6am just because she was afraid for her to go alone. She told me that my aunts kids mentioned that they didn't want to tell their mom they knew our uncle was in prison because they were afraid she would starve herself all week like she does every time she gets stressed, worried, or upset. I just don't get how my family can be so fucked up. I mean my grandparents and parents are very successful, they have always gave anyone in the family what they want. We were cared for, spoiled, not hit, but yet there are so many of us with drug problems, drinking problems, eating problems, insecurities. . . literally everyone of my aunts and uncles have at least a drinking, drug, or eating disorder... HOW? I am scared to have kids! Does this run in the genes or something?

Anyways, ugh.

It's my second day not smoking. It's a breeze. I spent 90 bucks on one of those fancy little electronic vapor things. I got cotton candy and over the rainbow flavors, yum<3 Today I've had a banana and strawberry smoothie so far and I'm not even thinking about fucking up. After looking through new years pictures I'm mortified and ready to lose this fat.

Happy New Years everybody!

New years!

Oh it's any girls favorite day of the year that has an eating disorder. How it can give you SO much hope to really change this year, to really do something about your fat ass. Of course my new years resolution is to lose massive amounts of weight, like it has been for the past 10 years. It's only actually happened once, and I've ballooned back up to an morbidly obese whale. Baha. I already have my grocery list made out to go shopping the 30th and get all new fat free goodies! Hopefully it's not a waste of money this time. I already got wasted and proclaimed to my girlfriend that I'm so fat and feel disgusting and embarrassed and need to get back to not eating. I can tell she agrees, but is trying to be nice. I am still not motivated about this 'working out' part of dieting like I usually am but I think it's because I'm so large I am just a big huge pile of fat thats too hard to move around.

Anyways..

I bought a camera with some of my christmas money. It's just a semi-cheap starter camera, I am trying to get into some photography and find some sort of hobby. We'll see how long this obsession last.

I hope everyone had a good christmas and really enjoys their new years, and remember making resolutions may seem stupid but it's a sense of hope, and really hope is all most of us have anymore.

much love<3