Putting some things into action

So I am halfway through my insurance class. I'm not really sure what to think about it, I just pray I pass the test. I had to schedule the tests like 2 weeks after the class because both locations were completely booked! That's making me extra nervous. I really hope I like doing this, I feel motivated about it, but I feel nervous about it too. I mean I have never thought I was much of a people person, I have just never been one of those people that are easy to talk to or talk to people easily. I am really motivated to do good in this career though, I will bust my ass. I will prove everyone wrong that I can't make it.

I have been lying about my food intake to everyone:( I am staying with my mom during this class and well I didn't bring all my healthy foods, so on our hour lunch break during class I go eat whatever the fuck I want for lunch. Yesterday was zaxbys and today was chinese (yuck, never again). My breakfast and dinner has been small and healthy though.. I just can't stop eating. I want to be thin, I know people will take me more serious when it comes to sell them life or health insurance, and it will make me look more mature. I just look like a chubby young kid when I'm fat. My self-esteem is shit too when I'm fat, which will put a damper on my sells. I seriously need to bust my ass next week when I get back home in my own territory.

So much stress going on with money, food, school, passing exams, work. Ahhhhh!

Day 5

Haven't touched a cig in 5 days today and well it's a little easier today considering I haven't moved from the couch. The 3rd and yesterday was a bitch though. I actually got to work for 4 hours yesterday:o. Surprise, surprise. I have done pretty decent at not eating a lot. I'm still eating 3 meals a day (minus today). I do really good during the day hardly consuming calories and what not, but at night something just comes over me. All I want to do is snack and eat and snack and eat. It's really annoying.

My girlfriend and me are always bickering now a days it seems like, probably mostly my fault because I'm a bipolar bitch that don't like to be touched. We just aren't ever on the same page anymore. One minute I feel lucky to have her and the next I'm beyond annoyed I can't leave, it's like my mind can't make up its mind.

I am taking my sister to get a boob job Monday. Maybe while I'm there I can ask about the price of a tummy tuck, that'd be an easy way to lose major weight, haha. I wish.
Ugh I'm so fat. Food is such a fucker.

Day 2.

I haven't smoked in 2 days.
I didn't even try to eat healthy on the 1st because I was hungover AF and I always eat like shit when I'm hungover, it's like my stomach begs for grease.

New years eve was pretty good. I got way more drunk than I wanted too and I regret that. I blacked out for a couple hours I believe. My camera has some pretty funny pictures on it! I'm kind of over drinking, I don't really enjoy it like I used to and everyone else gets on my nerves when they drink (including myself).

My sister got back from Florida the 30th, she was visiting my aunt and cousins. She said my aunt weighs 94 pounds now and is on a "diet" because she thinks she needs to lose some more weight. My sister went jogging with her a couple of times at 6am just because she was afraid for her to go alone. She told me that my aunts kids mentioned that they didn't want to tell their mom they knew our uncle was in prison because they were afraid she would starve herself all week like she does every time she gets stressed, worried, or upset. I just don't get how my family can be so fucked up. I mean my grandparents and parents are very successful, they have always gave anyone in the family what they want. We were cared for, spoiled, not hit, but yet there are so many of us with drug problems, drinking problems, eating problems, insecurities. . . literally everyone of my aunts and uncles have at least a drinking, drug, or eating disorder... HOW? I am scared to have kids! Does this run in the genes or something?

Anyways, ugh.

It's my second day not smoking. It's a breeze. I spent 90 bucks on one of those fancy little electronic vapor things. I got cotton candy and over the rainbow flavors, yum<3 Today I've had a banana and strawberry smoothie so far and I'm not even thinking about fucking up. After looking through new years pictures I'm mortified and ready to lose this fat.

Happy New Years everybody!

New years!

Oh it's any girls favorite day of the year that has an eating disorder. How it can give you SO much hope to really change this year, to really do something about your fat ass. Of course my new years resolution is to lose massive amounts of weight, like it has been for the past 10 years. It's only actually happened once, and I've ballooned back up to an morbidly obese whale. Baha. I already have my grocery list made out to go shopping the 30th and get all new fat free goodies! Hopefully it's not a waste of money this time. I already got wasted and proclaimed to my girlfriend that I'm so fat and feel disgusting and embarrassed and need to get back to not eating. I can tell she agrees, but is trying to be nice. I am still not motivated about this 'working out' part of dieting like I usually am but I think it's because I'm so large I am just a big huge pile of fat thats too hard to move around.

Anyways..

I bought a camera with some of my christmas money. It's just a semi-cheap starter camera, I am trying to get into some photography and find some sort of hobby. We'll see how long this obsession last.

I hope everyone had a good christmas and really enjoys their new years, and remember making resolutions may seem stupid but it's a sense of hope, and really hope is all most of us have anymore.

much love<3

Birthday Post

Well today is my Birthday, and I am 24 years old! I remember when I was like 19 and my big sister was turning 24, I thought it was so old. I still can't believe I am 24 years old and have no accomplishments, I am still like an 18 year old kid trying to push off responsibilities and the real world. I've decided to make some changes and grow up. In January or early February I am going to take my insurance licensing test and if I pass I am going to start working for my mom. It's not the career I ever seen myself in, but since I refuse to stay dedicated to school it is one of my only choices at making over 40k a year. I have to grow up sometime, guess that time is now.

Anyways, for my Birthday today I am home alone with my 3 dogs. The girlfriend had to work today, of course. I was suppose to go with her but I told her I refused to work at the hell hole on my birthday. I'm bored as hell though being here alone and I'm trying my best to not eat everything in the house, I've done good so far. Later on I am having cake at mine and my girlfriends house with my mom and older sister, then on to my little sisters and dad to do cake AGAIN, since our family cannot coexist.

I haven't been around too much and probably wont be! Sorry:(

Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Black Friday!

So I did something pretty stupid the other day, weighed myself the day before Thanksgiving. DUMB. I am officially at my highest weight, EVER. EVER!!!!! I honestly think I am still in so much shock I don't believe it. Of course I couldn't diet on Thanksgiving, that's just weird for anyone and way too hard. I ate, but was definitely controlled, ate more today than I did yesterday actually. I am way out of control I don't know what the fuck to do. I know my family notices my weight gain and says suttle things about it which brought me to tears 2 or 3 times on Thanksgiving. Another horrifying moment that day also, I was getting dressed in the closet (as I don't get dressed in front of my gf anymore) and my gf walks in when I have on nothing but a bra, I freaked out.. like legit slammed the door and yelled get out and that I didn't want her seeing me that naked. I had tears in my eyes for 30 minutes and I didn't even know what to say, it's been weird ever since. I plan on going to the grocery store tomorrow to gather some healthy groceries and getting my butt in gear or I feel like my life is going to start crumbling fast with my girlfriend, family, and my depression. I'm tired of typing though, I feel like I say the same thing every time I get on this blog and I never change.